Searching for the Positive

Kristie Lynn Nelson

I sit here today wondering, “What is God’s plan for me now?” Why did he choose for our journey together to end so soon? Why is it that the life I dreamt of having was altered so much? I know this clearly; you are not fully in control of your journey in life and there is most definitely a higher power controlling everyone’s destination in this world.

When I was a little girl, I believed that one day I would find the man that was meant for me, we would start a family and live in a home full of love and faith and our home would one day be a place for our children and their families to come , where grandma and grandpa would be waiting to welcome them with loving arms and warms smiles and happy memories to share. We truly began this journey in all the right direction, but it will now never be completed with the same outcome we once hoped for.

I envisioned that my husband and I would lead strong careers and be a strong and guided couple in everything we worked for in our lives together and we certainly achieved this.

Never in all my years of growing up did I see myself married to a man with such a plethora of struggles and such diverse interests and involvements in life. Not once did I question that such a time would come where I would lose my husband at such a young time in our marriage.

I imagine you never go through life with perfection and without some surprises along the way. We definitely had our share, but none of those challenges were as difficult as the one I am about to embark on now. The challenge of continuing on my life’s journey without my teammate, my soulmate, and my life partner.

So as my title states, I am searching for the positive amongst all this negative I now feel. I am with out a doubt scared, I feel completely lost and alone and I am not sure if I am meant to find love again but I am sure that there is only one man in my life that was and will ever be my marriage partner, the father of my beautiful boys and the true love of my life.

I have been blessed in so many ways, I have the most amazing four boys, that I love and adore with all of my heart, I have a terrific career and have a found a wonderful doctor to work for and I have an abundance of great friends and loved ones that I am forever thankful for.

God has always served me well in my life but it’s the moments that I have struggled and fought to hold on and this moment in my life now, that I question God’s reasoning, why did he choose me to live through these moments? I know for some of them, they are choices I made for myself and my actions put me in those fight or flight circumstances that I eventually fought through and past and thanked the good Lord for carrying me through and asked forgiveness for my mistakes.

I just continue to sit here and wonder, why my path in life held these cards I have been dealt? What else am I destined for? What else must I fight through? How much more pain and anguish am I supposed to endure? If we had such a strong and loving marriage, why am I without him now?

So, I am asking you Lord, what do you have planned for me now? Whatever it is, please walk with me Lord and guide me along the way. I am not sure my heart will ever be the same or how I will make it through each day, but one thing is forever true, I will never stop believing in you and my trust in you is unyielding.

The course I was on has now shifted and I must keep walking along, I must be strong for myself and my children and I must go on living and continue my journey , wherever that may take me next.

I am searching for answers, for hope and for a light along my path to lead me toward the positive steps in the remainder of my life. I am longing for the positivity that comes from the pain I am feeling. As Erik would say, “it’s not about the cost, it’s all about the chances babe.” I am betting on myself this time honey, how many chances do I take now? Can I still win? I have lost so much already, do I have enough left to risk?